257 - A Bigger Christmas

Most of the Christmas lists I've found so far are quite small. In a way they've been disappointing. I wanted something that showed the horrendous marks of capitalism - gorging on mounds of unwanted food and drink. But no, people seem to have been rather sensible on the amounts they've been buying.

So too is this shopper, but at least the list itself is a big one. I mean, it's truly littered with stuff. Clearly at a loss for presents (or perhaps part of a bid to shut the relatives up through inebriation), the shopper is buying "little bottle of Scotch. Bells." and "Bottle of hock nan." Presumably both these being so close together on the list, are for grandpa and nan respectively. In addition to these drinks, though, are some real classics - "Cavatt. Snowball drink" and "little bottle of Vodka" come further down. I don't know what Cavatt is...perhaps they mean advocaat - a key ingredient of a Snowball.

A selection of CDs has been specified, and due to the range of ones listed I'd guess that a few of them are intended as gifts. "Audio Bully's C.D.", "destinys Child CD GREATEST HITS", "Suger Babes CD" and "War of the world CD" not only reflect diverse musical tastes, but also that annoying trait of improper apostrophe usage.

Presents aside, there are a decent amount of food items as well. From a range of the expected including "Sasage meat", "Party nibbles", "Prawns" and "Parsnips" to the curious ("Red lasagna sauce") this shopper is truly preparing a feast.

Rock on, I say.

256 - Vital Cranberry Sauce

Part of me thinks that this is a shopper who is undertaking an emergency Christmas shop, especially as it was found on the 23rd December. We did our Christmas shop at just after midnight and found the store to be run amok with people, so only someone who wants to carry out an emergency shop would even consider going into the store during the day.

A lot of the items seem to be those last-minute Christmas feasties that make the day, hence my assumption. "Cranberry Sauce *" really stands out due to the asterisk, suggesting a certain extreme desire to be able to buy this particular item.

However, I don't really think that anyone would be buying "Veg", "Potatoes" or "X'mas Pud" as emergency items. Nor would someone be buying cheese and biscuits so late...although a certain dappiness is shown on the list through the separate listings of "Cheese Biscuits" and then, not until another 6 items later, "Cheese".

255 - Stinky House

O-ho, my word! "4 bleach", "4 Tins airfreshener", "80 black bags". This is, surely, the most smelly house in Britain!

Alice reckons this is the list of a cleaning contractor, but I personally reckon that a cleaning contractor would buy this kind of equipment from a wholesaler, rather than New Malden Tesco. Besides, what kind of a cleaning contractor needs "Hair dye"?

Okay, don't answer that.

Anyway, all these musing reflect my gut instinct: that this shopper simply lives in a horrendously stinky house. They may be preparing for the Christmas onslaught ("80 black bags" will be helpful for the reams of pointless wasted wrapping paper), but quite where the "2 Tins of polish" fit in is beyond me.

254 - Dear Sanda

I let out an audible "awwww" when I recovered this torn up note from a shopping trolley this morning. The beginning of a letter to "Sanda", the young person who wrote this tore it up and threw it in a trolley to hide their spelling shame.

Now, while I am usually a stickler for people using corect spellign and grammer, I think we can afford to let this one go. I mean, I'm sure Santa wouldn't have been offended so neither should we.

253 - Jade's Magnetism

Argos is a curious place. Famed for its elite range of jewellery (Elizabeth Duke), the store operates not on item names but rather product numbers. There's also something sinisterly Soviet about the purchasing process in that you queue and pay for the item, before then queuing again to collect it from a teenage 'warehouse assistant' in a fluorescent shirt.

This list was, as you've probably realised by now, found in an Argos store. A little bit of internet research has pointed me towards item "353/0357" being a "Magentic Drawing Board". It looks like Magna Doodle, but cheaper.

Much as I mock, I wish I had one.

252 - More Gastroenteritis?

I know. Discussing the various states of the digestive system is not why most people visit the Compendium but, whether you like it or not, the content of the list is that way inclined.

Only a couple of lists ago we saw that a Christmas dinner also called for "Bum wipes". However, on this list, the shopper is clearly wishing to avert an intestinal overload through preparing thoroughly clean surfaces with "Tesco's Antibacterial Cleaner".

I'm personally quite thankful for the care they demonstrate. After all, a kitchen can hoard handfuls of different germs if not properly cared for. Fortunately, the Christmas disaster in this household has been averted through intelligent forward-planning. It's also good to see they're preparing for a mighty big turkey with their "Foil - long one Long one".

251 - What a Difference an 'S' Makes

Pluralisation is an important part of shopping, as it signifies whether more than one of a particular item is required. However, the pluralisation of an item that already appears as a single is just crazy. Check out the "sausages" on this list, swiftly followed by "Sausages" for a prime example.

But closer scrutinisation of the list suggests alternative explanations. Perhaps these are different kinds of sausages. While "sausages" are placed close to "Turkey", "Sausage" has a better acquaintance with "Bacon". For Christmas dinner we often porcupine the turkey with sausages on sticks, which explains the linking of the first two items.

Then again, the sausages are usually pigs in blankets - sausages wrapped in bacon. Perhaps this list isn't as easily explained as I thought.

250 - Christmas Dinner Induces Diarrhea

Something smells fishy. It may be that I've got my 'conspiracy theory' hat on again, but this shopper seems to be purposely setting out to give their Christmas dinner guests some severe intestinal problems.

According to the notepaper, "Revenge is a dish best served chilled". If, indeed, this is the aim of the shopper then presumably the aforementioned revenge is to inflicted through the "cream" or "cream soda". Eurgh.

But how do I know they are out to provide digestive difficulties? Simple - they're fully prepared with "Bum wipes". Then again, these might simply be in preparation for the blowback from the "sprouts"...

249 - Emergency Pringles

Emergency items, for those who are only just tuning in to the Compendium, are those which are added at the last minute to a list - usually signified by different handwriting or a different coloured pen.

In this example, "pringles" are added as an emergency item. One presumes that these are intended as a kind of 'snack' on Christmas Day, as the list features such festive favourites as "xmas log + cake" and "xmas pudding", but similarly they may simply be to bolster the junk-intake of "chips" and "biscuits".

Interestingly, the curiously shaped pad appears to be from Harrods. Check out the faint remnants of the logo at the bottom if you don't believe me.

248 - Ham 4 Boxing Day

Boxing Day, it seems, is a distinctly pointless British tradition. Indeed, even the Simpsons made reference to the ridiculousness of it in their Christmas broadcast last year. Stupid and pointless as it may be, though, I don't think it's any more crazy than Thanksgiving. I mean - an annual meal to remember when the Native Americans saved the Pilgrims' collective backsides from starvation. It sounds a great idea. How about the reservations? "But we do a big dinner, so why do you need your land back?" Compared to this, I think a holiday based loosely around St Stephen's Day is quite sane.

Anyway, I'm getting distracted from the list. The exciting thing about this shopper is how they're preparing for the further culinary onslaught of Boxing Day with "Ham". But it's not all too far advanced. Don't believe be? Check the "BRussels", set apart (as they should be) from other "Greens". THAT is Christmas food.